来不及

来不及送你一程

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i still the remember that day,
when i danced around you,
squealing so happily,
that dad and mum were coming home.
after all,
i only saw them every friday.
and i was all of 3.

and i remember,
when you praised me for remembering to water your plants,
for when you travelled to china,
you forgot to ask someone to water them.
and you were so pleased,
you gave me $20 as a reward.
and the simple deed was on your lips all week long.
and i was all of 9.

and i remember,
when you had to move out,
cos of the conflicts you had with mum.
and i was so angry,
with both of you.
that i channeled my anger to my studies.
and aced my results.
and i was all of 14.

and yet another occasion,
when i would go to your house,
to write chinese calligraphy,
and you would ask me what character that was
and you would write it using a pen.
and i would always say,
come,
let me teach you.
and your smile,
beaming, ever so gently.
that year,
i turned 18.

and i remember,
you were so proud
that i made it to university.
that those were the words that you could speak of
for days.
after all
your favourite grandson,
was also the first to make it to uni,
in the whole family.

and i remember,
the $120 ang pows i would receive,
when everybody else got $20.

and how i told you about life in uni hostel,
and how i wished,
you could see the beautiful sunset after a rain,
the pastel pink and golden orange,
the cloud pillows and the cool spring breeze.

and how my heart skipped a beat,
when i heard that you had a stroke.
and how i went to the hospital,
and kept a vigil.

and how the day you fell into the sleep,
i told you
that if there is a next life,
i will be your teacher.

and how,
during your first year of the deep deep slumber,
i graduate from NUS,
and went to England,
wishing that you could see what i saw,
and feel wat i felt.

in your second year,
i went to hunan, china,
for cip,
and i remember helping to harvest the golden wheat,
and how you told me you used to do that too.
i graduated from NIE,
and began my career,
maybe,
just maybe,
because of you.

i commemorated your third year,
going to taiwan,
and all of the world,
was worried about sars.
and you just slept on,
smiling the same benevolent smile.

i went to myanmar,
in the fourth year of your sleep,
and wished that you were with me,
to see the beautiful and majestic stupas
and temples,
and i am so sure,
you would love.

in your fifth year,
i was all alone in lijiang, kunming,
and it was so cold,
and i remember the sacred mountains,
and if only i could.

in your sixth year,
i went to cambodia to teach,
and i witnessed the horrors,
and was glad that you never had to see what
i saw.

last year,
i went to laos to teach,
and my heart was always with you.
and i always wondered,
if only.

two weeks ago,
an ugly sore appeared on your neck.
i knew some part of your organ must be failing.

and ur lips,
so pale,
so pale.

last week,
you finally awoke from your slumber,
from this life,
this existence.

i was so glad.
so very glad.

just regretful that there are so many things i havent done for you.
places that i havent gone with you.

‘i am so good,
cos you are so much better.
and heaven sent me to look after you.
so i am good cos of you’
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我就是 来不及 说一声
我爱你